


You're a NEET, Osomatsu

by Redwylde



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Choro - Slytherin, Gen, Ichi - Slytherin, Jyushi - HufflePuff, Kara - Ravenclaw, Not HP Timeline, Oso - Gryffindor, Totty - Ravenclaw, Varying Years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8528371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redwylde/pseuds/Redwylde
Summary: Some OsoSan X Harry Potter drabbles!A little side project for in between bigger fic updates~Tags will be added as more characters appear and more ideas come to be.





	1. Where We Stand

Dinnertime at Hogwarts had arrived once again, hungry students amidst pleasant conversation pouring into the great hall in groups of three or more. Almost instinctively, everyone found their way to their house tables and took their seats, awaiting the arrival of the professors and prefects. 

A boy from the Gryffindors’ table, with a wide mischievous grin and tousled hair, exchanged a few gleeful words with his housemates as he scooped up a greedy portion share of food with his robes, looking not unlike a food sack. They shook their heads and he shrugged in feigned innocence, bidding a short farewell as he made his way toward the doors.  
Two boys from the Ravenclaws’ table, one with vivid eyes and strong features and the other with a soft air and rosy cheeks, asked humbled permission before claiming a plate of food to take with them. Once they were certain there was another plate of the same food somewhere else on the table, the larger built boy picked it up, expressed his gratitude and the two made their way toward the doors.  
Another two from the Slytherins’ table, one with well-combed hair and the other with messier hair than the Gryffindor, stood up and picked out an assorted share of food for themselves, whether anyone had any objection or not. To the students sitting nearest them, they exchanged understanding nods of acknowledgement before leaving to exit the Great Hall in silence. No one needed to ask where they were going.  
Lastly, a boy from the HufflePuffs’ table, with a bright, perpetual smile and exaggerated actions, leapt up from his seat, grabbing as much as he could in his elastic-like arms before saying goodbye to his housemates and bounding across the room with insurmountable energy toward the doors. 

The six boys stepped back through the grand, double doors with food in hand, side by side without a word to one another. They made their way down the wide corridor toward the large stone steps that led up to the Great Hall from the main entrance. They took their seats at the top step, being careful to avoid dropping any morsels or tipping any plates since going back for seconds was far too troublesome. As they settled into their spots, plates and portions of food started making their way up and down the line until finally, the silence was broken.

“Man, the chicken’s great today”.


	2. Learn By Doing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Ravenclaw never passes up the chance to practice outside the classroom.

Heavy corridor doors flew open and crashed hard against the adjacent walls, sending tremors quivering all the way down to quiet hall. Blasts of colourful light shot through the air, chasing defenceless victims screaming through the wide hallway.

“ _Pullus! Ducklifors! Geminio! Herbifors!_ ”  
Osomatsu, Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu sprinted away, dodging and ducking away from the spell streams so mercilessly aimed at them. Loud, unforgiving laughter echoed behind them as Karamatsu and Todomatsu marched briskly after them, stepping in time, wands extended casting spell after spell with devilish grins on their faces. When one dismisses a Ravenclaw as a simple geek one too many times, they ought to be prepared to have that statement confirmed by a flurry of interesting charms and jinxes. As it so happens, Transfiguration class had just ended.  
A blast of violet light struck Choromatsu in the back and he sprung into the air with a squeak at the dreadful impact. Long fluffy ears and a cotton tail sprouted from either end of him, and before he returned to the ground he’d transformed completely into a rather anxious looking white rabbit. Osomatsu yelled in shock and Jyushimatsu laughed, his carelessness also earning him a zap to the rear end and turning into a bow-legged puppy with floppy ears. He didn’t really mind that so much, hitting the ground with a dazed ‘BOEH!’.

  


Osomatsu grimaced and drew his wand, spinning on his heels to face his pursuers head on.  
“ _Finit-_ ”  
“ _Expeliarmus!_ ”  
Osomatsu’s wand was forcibly thrown from his hand before he could even finish his incantation, Todomatsu grinning at him triumphantly. It was his first successful use of that spell outside of the classroom and he was just glowing with pride, mirroring Karamatsu who had stopped casting to mull over the perfect spell for their dear eldest. Osomatsu backed up against a cold, marble wall as the two advanced on him, a sheepish smile quivering across his lips.

“H-Hey, c-come on, you guys, we were just kidding” he tittered, watching his newly transfigured animal brothers scurrying mindlessly around the floor out the corners of his eyes.  
  
"What's the matter, Osomatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu smirked, flicking his wrist and tossing some hot blue flames at Osomatsu's feet. He jumped and jigged and kicked his feet out of the way of the flashes of heat he could feel through the fabric of his school trousers, pretty certain he was trying to make him dance. Karamatsu laughed childishly beside his little brother.  
"You look a little sweaty, there, my brother" the elder observed with sarcasm, Osomatsu glaring at them and throwing out his hand to the side. That does it. No one gets away with making a fool out of the eldest.  
  
" _Accio!_ " he cried, his wand obediently - though shakily - shooting into his palm like a magnetic pull. The two widened their eyes in surprise and before they could hope to arm themselves, Osomatsu cast forth a strong blast that threw them back through one of many doorways they had travelled through, accidentally chipping some of the marble architecture away and scattering it through the corridor. Landing in stunned heaps, their wands sliding across the floor, the Ravenclaws lay in shock before attempting to sit up and gape at their brother.  
  
"Seriously, Osomatsu-niisan!?" Todomatsu shrieked, the impact having knocked the breath out of him.  
"Don't cry at me, you started it!"  
  
Karamatsu and Todomatsu stood, staggeringly but surely, retrieved their wands and faced Osomatsu again. They extended their wands but before any sort of command could be uttered, a sharp _thwack!_ clipped the backs of their heads and they yelped in pain, limpid, dwindling sparks trickling from the tips of their wands. A strong grip tightened around each of their shoulders and tore them away from the Gryffindor against the wall.

  
“Do your house a favour and learn to respect your magic, your fellow students and the boundaries of your classroom” a sinister voice hissed behind them, the students swiftly turning to march back down the corridor toward their common room without speaking another word. “And do _yourselves_ a favour by making sure me doesn’t have to come looking for you again, zansu” the voice added.  
A tall, skinny man with a horrendous overbite waved his hand and the transfigured students behind him returned to their original forms, sprawled out on the floor wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

“Heha! Thanks Iyami-sensei!” Osomatsu grinned and hopped forward, swiping a finger under his nose.  
“And you,” he leaned down to Osomatsu, squinting through sharp eyes beneath a black hat.  
“Huh? Why am _I_ in trouble?” he pouted, taken aback by the sudden injustice.  
  
“Students of mine should be able to counter and defend against such simple transfiguration spells, zansu". "But I did!" "Too little too late" the professor declared. "Me expects to see significant improvement in your homework from now on, mister Matsuno” he snorted, withdrawing himself from the student and turning on his heels to trek back down the hall, his dark robe billowing after him as he did so. The other two were long gone.  
Osomatsu just scoffed silently, Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu, having gathered their wits about them, joined their brother as they followed behind on the way back to their common room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oso has lots of magical potential. He's just too lazy to do much about it.


	3. The Grand Tour: Gryffindor Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys decide to check out each other's common rooms.

“Is this even allowed? Common rooms have passwords and concealed entrances for a reason” Todomatsu worried, eyes darting around the old corridor as the Gryffindor to Other-House ratio thinned out and red-trimmed uniforms began to dominate this area of the castle. It was Osomatsu’s idea to have a small tour of each other’s common rooms, nothing too ghastly or unthinkable. Despite being fully aware of the rule that strictly only house members were to enter their rooms, four out of six of them couldn’t see the harm in a quick peek. Osomatsu just grinned.

“Relax, it’s not like anyone’s going to eat us. Well, they might” he gestured over his shoulder to their two Slytherin brothers, who shot him an unamused glare. 

“Worry not, dear brother” Karamatsu grinned beside Todomatsu, puffing out his chest. “We come in peaceful visitation with a house member as our esteemed guide. It’s not like we’re breaking and entering..” he added under his breath. He had to admit it was a little unnerving, how shocked the other Gryffindors seemed to be at the volume of other uniforms entering their territory. 

“I hope it’ll be okay..” Choromatsu murmured. 

“Relaax,” Osomatsu assured again. “Worst case scenario they’ll set the dogs on you” he smirked. There were a few surprised splutters and Jyushimatsu excitedly flapped his sleeves at the idea.

“I love dogs!”

As the corridor came to an end, the castle opened out and a winding network of grand staircases traversed up to most, if not all, of the levels of the castle. Few voices sighed in awe at the sheer size of it.   
“Well, come on!” the eldest nipped up the staircase, the five following closely behind. He stopped at the stair second from the top by the first landing, earning confused looks from the others who stood behind in a single file line. Choromatsu in particular leaned around Karamatsu and growled at Osomatsu.  
“Well? Go, already-!”

Suddenly, the staircase lurched away from its resting place with a mighty jolt and swung around the large space from one wall to the other. The five yelled in surprise and the unexpected force knocked them off balance, all of them hitting the floor at once with graceless thuds. Osomatsu just sniggered helplessly into his uniform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's assume they've never been up these stairs at this point lmao


	4. The Grand Tour: Ravenclaw Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour continues~

Having taken Osomatsu's place at the head of the pack, Karamatsu and Todomatsu scaled the winding staircase that spiralled through Ravenclaw tower, gleeful grins on their faces. They had a great pride for their common room in particular, and the way to it. The gleaming silver ironwork of the banister and stone architecture that graced both the walls and the ceiling of Ravenclaw Tower was something to marvel at, so perfectly carved and kept. The others weren’t so impressed, however, panting and puffing as they tried to keep up behind them. They supposed they could forgive them this one time.

By the time they’d reached the top, Jyushimatsu had had to carry both Ichimatsu and Osomatsu over his shoulders, Choromatsu scaling the last few steps on his hands and knees in a shaking, sweaty mess.  
“I…I need to lose some weight” Choromatsu wheezed.  
“You don’t have any weight” Osomatsu coughed.  
“I know!” the younger wailed.  
“Oh, stop being such babies” Todomatsu waved his hand, Jyushimatsu dropping his older brothers down onto the floor, who laid there in unflattering heaps. 

Once everyone had composed themselves and normalised their heart rates, Karamatsu and Todomatsu led their brothers to the common room entrance, waiting outside to allow everyone a good look.  
“So, what’s the password?” Osomatsu leaned over.  
“We don’t have passwords. Watch” Karamatsu smiled, staring at a large, brass knocker on the door that was shaped like an eagle’s head. The others, following his gaze, stared at it in wonder. 

_What asks but never answers?_

“Ooh, it’s a riddle!” Jyushimatsu hopped on the spot while the others gasped in awe at the knocker’s ability to talk.  
Karamatsu turned to them expectantly.  
“Would anyone like to guess?”  
Choromatsu put a finger to his chin in thought, mulling over all the possible answers he could think of and Ichimatsu just shrugged. He had no idea.  
“I think I’ve got it!” Osomatsu jumped forward, confidently and Choromatsu audibly cringed.  
“Oh, this should be good” Todomatsu grinned at Karamatsu who chuckled back.

“Is it: an idiot?” he grinned, quite pleased with his answer.  
Suddenly, the floor gave away from under Osomatsu’s feet with a loud boom and he fell with a surprised scream down into a dark pit. The Slytherins and the HufflePuff leapt away in silent shock. 

“Huh…that’s new” Todomatsu speculated calmly, he and his housemate never moving.  
“It’s an idiot, alright” Choromatsu snorted, holding the tail of Jyushimatsu's cloak as he leaned over the newly formed gap in the floor, laughing at how his voice was echoing. “But what’s the answer?”  
Karamatsu stepped forward. “The answer is: a question”

 _Well done_ , the knocker praised, the heavy door unlocking and creaking open to grant them access. Karamatsu nodded to Todomatsu before turning the other way. 

“I’ll go fish him out”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trap door was removed shortly after.


	5. A Snake Has No Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait to post the Choromatsu angst, I'm very sorry. This was the first skit I wrote.  
> The tour skits will return in the next two chapters.

Choromatsu sighed tiresomely as he tried to concentrate on his textbook, the shrill shrieking and screaming of excited sportsmen and women watching the Quidditch match proving to be significantly distracting. He huffed in annoyance when some wormy little HufflePuff bumped into his shoulder trying to get a better look between the shoulders of two particularly lanky Gryffindors. Ichimatsu sat beside him, chewing on his tongue in disinterest. He didn’t seem very fond of the minimal space either.

“Why are we here again?”  
“I promised them I’d come to at least one match this season” Choromatsu stated, glancing up from some notes on charms for half a second to see the two teams streaming out onto the field, broomsticks whizzing by the stands in a flurry of school colours. They hadn’t started yet; he could finish reading this paragraph. Ichimatsu grunted in acknowledgement. “You didn’t have to come, you know”. 

“Got nothing better to do” he admitted, regrettably. “Who you rooting for?”  
Choromatsu pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t, really, but if he had to think about it, “Ravenclaw”.  
Ichimatsu chuckled. “Really?”

“You’re not backing Gryffindor?” the elder finally dragged his attention away from his studies, staring his brother dead in the eye in disbelief. Ichimatsu shook his head.  
“I was thinking more you still feeling salty about the fact they botched your try-out for Keeper”.

Choromatsu barked in spite of his pride, causing the younger to snigger beneath his tightly wrapped scarf. “You know as well as I do he jinxed my broom…”  
Neither of them needed to say the name, but they knew there was no ‘they’ involved in that Quidditch try-out that day. Choromatsu was adamant that wasn’t the reason for his choice of team. The Ravenclaws were as formidable in the air as they were in the classroom, and Karamatsu had been practicing hard these past few weeks. Really, it was the logical choice.  
“I hope he eats a Bludger” Choromatsu murmured, causing Ichimatsu to laugh again.

Just when they thought the sea of voices couldn’t get any louder, a deafening roar of anticipated cheering and some harsh bustling from a few in the back alerted the two that the match had begun. They shuffled around to free up some elbow room, a few well-educated HufflePuffs promptly retracting themselves as soon as they noticed the green uniforms. Choromatsu put away his book since it was obvious he wasn’t about to get any work done right now. Casting a craned glance over a few bobbing heads, Choromatsu spotted the red devil himself. 

Osomatsu, as usual, was leading the match with the Quaffle under his arm in a high speed lap around the pitch. He dodged and looped and tipped a few broomsticks in that boisterous, ignorant way he always played. The Quaffle never left his grip from the moment the match started, leaving eager-to-play Gryffindors hovering in frustration as they tried to catch the Chaser’s attention. Really, it was a wonder how he was still on the team. Even growing up with five brothers he still had no idea how to be a team player. Choromatsu scanned the field for his second brother, eventually spotting him zipping between his house Chasers. With his bat firmly in his fist, Karamatsu maintained his perfect record of keeping all Bludgers away from his fellow teammates, managing to knock a few Gryffindors off balance in the process. He always was the self-proclaimed protector of the family, though he had to wonder why someone as gaudy as Karamatsu didn’t opt for more of a show-stopper position like Chaser or Seeker. He certainly had the broom talents for it and the ego to match.

Choromatsu noticed there was very little offence occurring for some reason, the Ravenclaws flying alongside Osomatsu rather than trying to tackle him for the Quaffle, which might’ve been easy since he wasn’t so prone to utilising the support from other team members. As the Ravenclaw Chasers surrounded Osomatsu, the Beaters knocked the Gryffindors off course one by one. Ah, now he understood. Ravenclaw were trying to use Osomatsu’s Quaffle-hogging to their advantage, thinning out the supporting Chasers via Bludger and isolating the insufferable toad in an attempt to strong-arm him into giving up the Quaffle. Master strategists, those Ravenclaws, but the Gryffindors weren’t about to just lie down and let it happen. Gryffindor Beaters were also a force to be reckoned with, as Karamatsu and his partner well knew having to do a fair bit of dodging themselves.  
The commentators followed Osomatsu closely, announcing his complex moves, his dynamic executions and radical style. 

“Is he being an asshole already?” Ichimatsu finally looked up from whatever else he had occupied himself with for the time being, his accurate translation of the commentary earning a smile from his elder brother.

“Yeah, he’s-” Choromatsu stopped, eyes fixated on the field. Something wasn’t right. The once flawless formation of the Ravenclaws crumbled within moments for what looked like no reason, brooms started spinning ever so discreetly and disastrous misplays were happening far too often for a team aiming to play in the championships. Even Karamatsu had begun flying around in dizzy circles, seeming to forget what he was doing.

“What is it?” Ichimatsu whispered.  
“Something’s wrong with the Ravenclaws” he whispered back.  
“Of course something’s wrong with them, Kusomatsu’s on their team” 

“No, I’m serious, look” he pointed to a particular Ravenclaw witch who had begun to fly backwards across the pitch. Ichimatsu hummed in speculation. Even Karamatsu wouldn’t cause that much bad luck.  
The commentators picked this up as well, announcing the sloppy execution and lack of focus from the blue house. A rush of air boomed overhead and the spectators watched as Osomatsu shot right over their heads with a few unaffected Ravenclaws still in pursuit. One careless shift of his hand on his broom and Choromatsu knew everything.

“He’s using a wand!” Choromatsu gasped, watching Osomatsu tear away back into the centre of the pitch to aim for a hoop for the first time since match start. Pulling his own wand from the sleeve of his robe, he aimed it discreetly between the shoulders of those two Gryffindors who hadn’t sat still the whole match. He shut an eye, focusing on the irresponsible eldest. Raising a hand to his mouth to muffle his incantation, a shriek of protest erupted over the cheering.  
“Hey, what are you doing!?”

Choromatsu froze and Ichimatsu whipped his head round to answer the voice, the former desperately stuffing his wand back within the folds of his cloak.  
“He’s bewitching the players!” a young, skinny Gryffindor no older than first year pointed at Choromatsu accusingly, the surrounding HufflePuffs and supporting Gryffindors turning to answer the boy’s cries and glaring at the two Slytherins in disgust.  
“N-No, I wasn’t! You don’t under-”  
“Get out of here!”  
“Just wait a minute! You’ve got a player down there who-!” Choromatsu tried to fight back, defend his integrity with gritted teeth and clenched fists but no one would have it.  
“Shut up and go away!”  
“Go on, off!”  
“Filthy cheaters!”  
“Typical!” some Ravenclaw voices concerned for their team joined in the jeering. 

The cold, acidic splash of insults brought Choromatsu and Ichimatsu to their feet, swiftly turning to leave the stands and seek refuge within the castle.  
“Who else but the snake charmers!?” the boy finally snapped, making Choromatsu stop dead in his tracks with the overwhelming need to swallow his heart back down into his chest. He turned to face the boy, eyes wide and hurt as laughter could be heard from other students. It was so unfair. The boy just stared him down, as if expecting the two to wither and die under his gaze. Choromatsu might’ve.

“Choromatsu-niisan..” Ichimatsu muttered, gently gripping the sleeve of Choromatsu’s robe. He wanted so badly to run over and punch that kid in the neck, but instead pulled his scarf to cover more of his face. His voice was more tender than usual.  
“Come on” he pressed. Choromatsu swallowed a final time before ducking his head, staring at the floor in defeat and allowing Ichimatsu to lead him away through the sea of glares and jeers. To slink through the crowd was mortifying, and the returning cheering from oblivious fans was heart-breaking.

**Author's Note:**

> Starting off with something simple!


End file.
